Change I Could Get Used to

For my revision piece, I decided to go with my very first paper on Identity entitled ‘Identity: What Makes Us or Breaks Us”. I chose this because it was the essay I had written before learning a lick about MLA, analysis, and good paper writing in general. Before revision, I had written a thesis that had no particular meaning whatsoever. It was a sentence without any bearings. This set the mood for the entire paper in a way that made it nearly impossible to follow along with. For example, my first transition sentence was “From an early age we are told that we are special and unique, capable of anything we could ever dream up. However, all that goes out the window once we enter high school”. This sentence had absolutely nothing to do with my thesis. After going back and completely readjusting my thesis (“We end up blindly follow examples of those more likeable characters around us and begin to transform our physical and emotional character, until our new self is nothing but a mutilated version of who we used to be.”) and transitioning sentences between paragraphs (“Physical appearance is playing a larger and larger role in developing identity as young kids.”), I think I finally have it just right.